my life, my love

Sunday, July 27, 2008

This is going to be an emo and personal post.
Don't say I didnt warn you.
If you are going to say anything bad about me,kindly dont read this.

Today,I met Baby,I was feeling very happy that I met him.
But I screwed it all up.

I reflected on my relationship with him.
The only time both of us can really enjoy each other's company was after O level.

When we were just together,not soon after that,was O level.
O level was over & we had one or two months to spend time together before he go to JC & I go to work during first three months.

Because at that time,I was so busy and tired of work,
even though he was busy with JC,I did not realise the loneliness I could have felt if I was not busy with work.

After first three months,I went into JC,giving up my plan to poly as I needed more time to consider my career path.
Didnt want to settle too fast on Tourism,I was afraid I will regret.
Went JC, prelims,promos were the major exam in JC1.Trying hard to adapt to the different lifestyle.
JC2 was tedious.Relationship with classmates wasnt good.
& now near prelims and A level.
We hardly have anytime together that I kinda feel neglected by him sometimes.

& the way I phrase it sometimes seemed to be too hard on him.
The last time I received a gift from him was on my 16th bday.
& I am now 18.
Valentine Day,when alot of girls would receive roses and gifts from guys.
I received nothing.
Anniversary came & similarly nothing.

I really miss those times after O level.
Thats the time when I start to really love him.
& now I feel as if it is a one-sided love.
I am trying so hard to maintain the relationship.
Buying stuff for him.
Buying present for his bday.
Wanted to make anniversary present for him this yr.
But now I am just too tired.

I feel very bad now.
I made him feel sad with my words.
I really love him.I really do.
But I cannot feel the love from him.
He dont express. & I cant feel it from him.
I just want him to treat me better when we meet even though is just one day per week.
& for him to be more sensitive to my feelings.

Is it too much to ask?
Feeling down now.
No friends in class.Relationship rather stagnant.
Don't know why things has become like this for me.
I didnt do anything bad to deserve this.

Think after a night's sleep I will feel better.
Getting more & more emo these days.

Because of my words,Baby keep feeling that he did not bring happiness to me.
I don't blame him for all these.
I understand that he is his family's hope.
& he need to study hard for A level.

I find it difficult to just concentrate on A level.
He is everything to me.
I live for LOVE.
I know I sound like some weak girl who depends on guys alot.
But I cannot help it.
I really love him alot.

Sometimes,I dont understand how guys can seem to just concentrate on studies & not care about love.
It is as if love is just secondary.
Girls are much more sensitive and emotional.
I really don't know what to do.
I shall just try and coop everything inside me and explode someday.
Don't want to hurt him anymore.

Ok lets change a topic.Watched X-Files:I believe.
Just going to say that the disturbing scene is rather disturbing.LOL.
Shall not say much.Not a movie recommended to those who hate the sight of blood though.
This is only a warning.
Just watch it & you will know what I mean.(:

I am really looking forward to meet Baby next week.
Shall not make him sad again.
I really love him so much.
He is just too cute.<3

The more I am with him,the more I love him.
Hmm.seemed contrary to most relationships.

I shall focus on my studies now.

Need to iron clothes.Make my shoes.Pack my bag before I sleep.
& guess what?Now is 11 plus pm.Another day with inadequate sleep.
Oh well,thats how JC life is.

Anyway,take care everyone!Ciao!~Have a good night sleep.<3
Sorry about the emo blog.I just have to have an outlet,before I really go crazy.
Thanks so much.
I really appreciate you all for everything.
Love ya all loads!<3

10:37 PM